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How to spice up your love life

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Posted at 1:37 PM, Feb 09, 2016
and last updated 2016-02-09 15:47:06-05

Therapist Korinne Bouwhuis visited with some advice on how to spice up your sex life with your partner. Here is her advice:

In marriage everything is foreplay: Intimacy = In.to.me.see. How naked are you outside of the bedroom? Love map of each other's world (hopes, goals, dreams, disappointments) is as important as the love map of erotic zones and sexual preferences. Some time in the relationship has to be focused on enjoyment and exploration both done together and about each other. Date nights are not for business, they are for pleasure. Feeling sexy is to good sex as the chicken is to the egg. Work past body image issues, fake it 'til you make it if you have to. The #1 factor reported by men in their sexual satisfaction is willingness to come to the playground, not size or shape.

Disrupt a Pattern of Bad Sex: Step back from actual intercourse if it's not going well. Make it fully off the table for a period of time until you can learn to enjoy nonsexual physical touch and affection, then sexual non-intercourse touch until you're ready to know how to have better sex. Take to learning anatomy and sexual technique. The only part of sex that comes naturally is the part necessary for procreation. We expect a lot more of sex these days, especially when we are hoping to maintain a long term monogamous relationship. "Even men" tell me how turned off they are by disinterested, dutiful sex. This surprises women because the male may climax physically, but still express emptiness following the interaction as well. It really isn't all about the climax for men either.

Sex is Show and Tell Time: I'll never stop being surprised by how many couples can have sex, even what might be considered unconventional sex, and yet can't say the word sex out loud. Get comfortable talking about sex in and outside of the bedroom.
Show and tell your partner what you want every time you have sex. You may tell them verbally, or nonverbally, but let them know every time. This allows spontaneous creativity and variety to keep things more fun.

Own your Own Arousal and Response: Trying to reach peak arousal for the sake of stroking a partner's ego because they feel responsible for "getting you there" KILLS sexy. You know best what does it for you, and if you don't, you need to learn. It is also very hard to "get" a partner to peak arousal if they aren't really fully invested or present in the interaction. It is your job to stay present and in touch with your own self and your own body. "Where is my mind?" Best check for this is often, "Where are my hands?"

To contact Korinne or find more information go to kbtherapyutah.com