Just a giant collection of Pokemon Go stories

Posted at 2:38 PM, Jul 18, 2016
and last updated 2016-07-18 16:38:02-04

(CNN) — Y’all, Pokemon Go has been out for just over a week and it has already inspired enough craziness and hot takes to last us until the end of time. If we wrote about every single funny tweet or poor sap who fell in a lake while trying to catch a Rattata (not worth it), we would never sleep.

To save you some time, here are some of the best, worst and weirdest things that have come out of the Pokemon craze. Surely, even more will come.

First of all, a guy just quit his job to catch ’em all

While the pull to slack off is strong, most people would agree the benefits of being employed outweigh the benefits of being a Pokemon master, but New Zealand’s Tom Currie respectfully disagrees. He WAS a barista and bartender, but now he’s quit all of that noise to travel around and try to catch all 250 Pokemon. Heaven help him if the game ever expands their Pokedex. He’ll be searching for the rest of his life.

Animal shelters are making adorable proposals

A shelter in Muncie, Indiana, has made an offer that animal lovers could never refuse. Pokemon trainers are encouraged to add some purpose to their PokeRamblings by stopping by and walking a shelter dog.

According to the Muncie Star Press, the idea has proved perfectly synergistic: More than 150 people have showed up to take the pups for a spin.

Other shelters have caught on to the trend, and it’s pretty great:

Pizza places and other businesses are dropping lures left and right

So if you’re playing the game, there are things called lures that, long story short, can be used to attract Pokemon (and thus, hopeful trainers) to a certain location. While people have used lures for nefarious purposes (see “Crime”), some businesses have wised up and dropped lures to please customers and possibly find new ones.

Others have lured (ha) customers in by offering discounts to people who can prove their Pokemon mettle. SMART.

People are hatching their eggs like mad scientists

One of the features that has Pokemon Go looking like a fancy exercise app is the egg incubation process. Eggs are unhatched Pokemon, and in order to hatch them, you need to, you know, actually walk and move around. Some people are far too impatient for that. Ceiling fans and dog collars it is.

There is a really, REALLY fine line between laziness and genius.

Some dudes fell off a cliff

The opening screen of Pokemon Go CLEARLY asks people to watch where they’re going when they’re playing. Two San Diego men did not heed the words of the wise Gyarados and accidentally plunged several stories off an E Street cliff. They were taken to the hospital with unknown injuries.

Another gamer, who was streaming his hunting experience on Twitch, accidentally fell into a pond. Whoops. (Video contains a lighthearted profanity.)

Another got STABBED and just continued to play

A man in Oregon says he was stabbed, but KEPT PLAYING because maybe our parents were right and phones really are melting our brains. It was only after he satisfied his Pokeneeds (and stopped to get some food) that he decided to seek treatment for the wound. “It’s important to me,” Michael Baker said to KTLA, of the game and not the concept of human survival. “I’ve got to basically catch them all.”

Some solemn places have a request

Does this need more explanation? Arlington National Cemetery and the Holocaust Museum in Washington, D.C. have asked visitors to, well, have a little respect.

National parks, however, are super excited about all the new visitors

You see, a side effect to actually going outside is that you may actually run across some actual nature or — heaven forbid — some real animals to admire. The National Park Service sees you, and they want to encourage you to, you know, actually look around while you’re there.

Of course, not every park and memorial is an appropriate place to do your hunting. Gettysburg National Military Park in Pennsylvania, for example, put out a gentle reminder to visitors that the park is “sacred ground.” In other words, visitors probably shouldn’t be observing the site of a real-life battle while engaging in a Pokemon one.

Pokemon nudes are a thing

We’re not about to link you to them or anything, but there is a definitely a board on Reddit dedicated to NSFW Pokemon images. It’s only a short Google search away, but we’ve warned you: It’s a lot of naked.

Other people have taken up the sport of strategically placing Pokemon over their nude parts and taking a screen shot. We ruin everything.

They’re taking over politics

First, the president of Israel posted a hilarious shot of a Meowth hanging out in his digs (the caption says “Call security).

Then it seems you couldn’t go anywhere in politics without a Poliwag or something showing up. The Pokemon were out in full force for former UK Prime Minister David Cameron’s last day on the job.

Two Marines legit helped catch a suspicious guy using Pokemon GO

Seth Ortega told CNN he and his friend were playing Pokemon in a park when then noticed a guy approach several families and even touch a child on a jungle gym. He and another bystander apprehended the man while another person called the cops. Ortega says the man was “being charged as a child annoyance.” Authorities determined the man was wanted in an attempted murder case.

And two other people were arrested for trespassing in a zoo to catch Pokemon

There is more than a little irony in the fact that two Pokemon Go players trespassed in the Toledo Zoo’s real live tiger exhibit to catch fictional, digital creatures.

They were charged with criminal trespassing and were banend from the Ohio zoo, but the pair told The Blade their biggest regret was that they will no longer be able to control the zoo’s Pokemon gym. Priorities.

Finally, some of the craziest stories you’ve heard may not be true

As crazy as Pokemon Go has made us all, don’t believe everything you see on Facebook (this is just generally good lfie advice, to be honest). Poynter recently profiled a young man who posted a bunch of fake Pokemon stories to a fake news website.

This obviously did NOT happen. Neither did similarly horrible events documented on the site, including “ISIS is taking responsibility for Pokemon Go’s Login Problems” and “Man sues Pokemon Go company for 500 million after being hit by car!”

Listen, the world is already gaga for Pokemon as it is. No need to make it any weirder.