Your kid is headed back to school soon, but you are the one who is nervous. Maybe you think your child spends too much time on screens in class, they didn’t get the teacher you hoped for or they don’t have the accommodations you think they need.
I have both experienced these situations as a parent and heard about them repeatedly from parents, students and educators across the country when I have given talks about how to manage kids’ screen time.
If you are feeling this way, what should you do?
Approaching things in a certain manner will make you more likely to get your concerns addressed, said Dr. Melissa Greenberg, a clinical psychologist and founder of Princeton Psychotherapy Center in New Jersey.
Here’s how.
Don’t blame the wrong people
Start by considering whether this is a problem specific to your child or a more general policy problem, Greenberg said. That exercise might require “a little thought and investigation,” she noted.
We might assume a teacher is aware of a problem or supposed to do things a certain way, but “we may sometimes be wrong about that,” she said. It’s not fair to get upset with a teacher for doing something they’re required to do.
If the problem falls under school policy, “you might have to go to a school board meeting,” Greenberg said.
I recently waited until after 10 p.m. for my chance to speak at a school board meeting about the overuse of screens in schools. The school board members didn’t act, so now I am running for a seat on the board this November.
Is this worth the fight?
You may have many concerns about your child’s school, but we have to prioritize what we take up with school officials.
One way to decide whether to pursue something is to consider whether it’s a preference or a need, Greenberg said. You may prefer a particular teacher, but it may not be logistically possible for the school to grant your request. Administrators are often balancing requests from lots of parents, placing students based on their abilities or separating students who don’t get along.
On the other hand, if your child has an unmet need — they require disability accommodations, or they’re being bullied — it’s important to advocate for them.
What if you don’t think the school responded appropriately in a particular situation, such as if your child was hurt by another kid? Ask yourself whether it’s a pattern and how much risk is involved, Greenberg said.
If your kid is likely to be harmed again, address the situation. If not, you could acknowledge to your child that the school didn’t handle the situation well and you’re sorry the matter is out of your control, then move on.
You also can turn it into a life lesson for your child. We live in a world where things aren’t always fair, and sometimes people aren’t honest, she said.
You can use sports as an example, Greenberg said. Watching the World Cup, we saw many instances of one player totally convinced they were fouled and another player absolutely certain the opposite was true.
“Sometimes things happen very quickly,” she said. “You will only ever experience something from your own perspective, and we all have to keep that in mind.”
How to get what you want
If you decide to pursue an issue, even if you’re upset, present yourself to the school as a collaborator, not an adversary, Greenberg said. You’re on the same team, trying to help your child get a good education.
Whether you’re talking to a teacher, principal or the school board — and do start with the teacher if that’s where your concern is — assume officials have good intentions. “It actually usually is the case that everyone is trying to do their best and that everyone has the interest of the child at heart,” Greenberg said.
If you approach the conversation as a conflict and try to prove someone wrong, “creating tension or escalating tension is not going to help the situation move forward,” Greenberg noted. “That just sets up a dynamic that is less likely to get you what you want and what you need.”
What happens when your child tells you one thing and the school says another?
“Knowing your kid is helpful,” Greenberg said. Is your child reactive and “does a touch become a hit or a push?” Or does your child tend to underreport things? If you’re not sure what version of events to believe, make your best guess based on how your child tends to react.
Fixing problems in schools requires figuring out who has the power to address them, weighing whether to take up the matter and being diplomatic. Whether you’re successful or not, you will have taught your child important lessons.
