As kids grow up, many parents worry about keeping them safe. But for many families, the bigger challenge is helping children navigate an emotional world that can feel overwhelming, especially during the tween years.
Intermountain Health Community Health Director Doug Thomas has a simple but powerful message for parents: You do not have to be an expert to help your child through hard feelings.
“I think that’s a common misconception, that we think we need to be an expert,” Thomas said. “You’re the expert of your child, right, with your children.”
Thomas brings multiple perspectives to the conversation. He is an experienced therapist, a parent and a community health leader. And he says one of the most important things a parent can do is simply be present.
“Even if you don’t feel like it at times, right, but just being there for them, listening, validating, hearing what they’re going through, that is powerful,” he said.
That message can come as a relief to parents who feel pressure to always have the right answer.
Sometimes, Thomas says, support looks less like solving a problem and more like sitting quietly beside a child who is struggling.
“A lot can change when you just sit with your kid who’s feeling a strong emotion and being like I’m sorry you’re feeling that way,” he said.
He encourages parents to slow down and not rush to fill every silence. Conversations can be more effective when they happen during relaxed moments, like a drive, a meal or a shared activity.
Thomas also suggests using gentle conversation starters like “tell me” or “describe,” while avoiding questions that may feel judgmental from the start.
And when children open up, he says parents should resist the urge to tell them how to feel. Instead, reassure them that sadness and disappointment are normal emotions and that they are not alone.
“Helping them feel that connection so that they’re not separating themselves and feeling isolated and alone,” Thomas said. “Because often that’s what they think. I’m the only one who feels this way when really we’ve all felt that way.”
That kind of connection matters. Adolescents today report persistent feelings of sadness and hopelessness 40% more often than they did 15 years ago. Thomas says many young people also say they want help from their parents more than anyone else.
For parents, he says, that is an invitation.
“Let’s just take some time together. Let’s go get an ice cream. Let’s, let’s breathe, do some breathing exercises together. Let’s go build something, right?” Thomas said. “Sometimes we make it overcomplicated. It’s about being there for our kids.”
Intermountain Health offers a free online resource for families at TalkToTweens.org. The Talk to Tweens toolkit includes practical tools to help parents start conversations and support their children through difficult emotions.
But Thomas says the most important takeaway is also the simplest: Show up and be there.
